Control Issues in Relationships: Understanding the Impact
Relationships are supposed to bring connection, care, and respect. In a healthy relationship, both partners feel supported and free to express their own needs without fear. Unfortunately, not all intimate relationships work this way. Some partners develop controlling behavior, while others cross the line into outright abusive behavior.
While people often use “controlling” and “abusive” interchangeably, there are important differences. Recognizing those distinctions—and the warning signs of a controlling relationship—can be the first step toward positive change.
At gokc, with offices in Kansas City and Lee’s Summit, Missouri, we help individuals and couples understand these differences, recover from painful dynamics, and learn healthier ways to relate.
In this blog post, we’ll dive into the nature of control issues in relationships, how they affect self-esteem, and how to recognize warning signs. We’ll also explore resources in Kansas City for those facing domestic violence and the crucial steps for building healthier relationships.
What is a Controlling Relationship?
A controlling relationship is one where a partner exerts an unhealthy degree of control over the lives of others, often in subtle but damaging ways. A controlling personality thrives on having the sense of control in a relationship, sometimes to soothe their own fear of abandonment or to cover up low self-esteem.
Traits of a controlling person may include:
Excessive jealousy or possessiveness, often amplified by monitoring social media or social interactions.
Isolation, keeping you away from close friends, family members, or significant others.
Constant criticism of your choices or own feelings, leading to self-doubt.
Silent treatment used as a defense mechanism.
Manipulative tactics like guilt trips, ultimatums, or the blame game.
Some controlling people justify their controlling ways as being in your best interests. They might claim there’s a good reason for their actions, but over much time, these little things add up and erode confidence, leaving you with painful emotions, anxiety disorders, or even a distorted sense of reality.
The Impact of a Controlling Partner on Self-Esteem
When control issues persist in a relationship, one of the biggest casualties is self-esteem. Your self-worth can take a massive hit when someone constantly questions your decisions, makes you feel incompetent, or imposes their own needs on you.
In a healthy relationship, both partners support each other’s growth, independence, and emotional well-being. But in relationships where controlling behavior prevails, the affected partner may:
Lose Confidence: When someone is always critiquing your decisions or choices, it's easy to start doubting yourself.
Feel Isolated: A controlling partner may restrict interactions with friends, family members, or even co-workers, isolating you from a supportive network.
Struggle with Anxiety or Depression: Constant worry about how to please the controlling partner can create feelings of anxiety, while being repeatedly told you're "not enough" can lead to depression or low mood.
Experience Attachment Issues: The constant need to appease a controlling partner can distort your attachment style, leading to anxious or avoidant attachment in future relationships.
Feel Unlovable: Emotional abuse and control can make you feel as if you’re not worthy of love or respect, further damaging your self-esteem.
For anyone who has been in an intimate relationship where control was a key factor, rebuilding self-esteem is a vital part of the healing process. Developing healthy boundaries and recognizing that you are deserving of a loving and supportive relationship is essential.
Warning Signs of Controlling Behavior in Relationships
Early detection of control issues in a relationship is crucial. While it’s easy to dismiss small controlling actions as quirks or signs of affection, over time these behaviors can become more pervasive and damaging. Here are some red flags to watch out for in intimate relationships:
Constant Criticism: A controlling partner may frequently criticize your appearance, decisions, or abilities, making you feel small and incapable.
Jealousy: While a little jealousy is normal, irrational and extreme jealousy is a major red flag.
Monitoring: A partner who feels the need to constantly check on you through your phone, social media, or location is exhibiting controlling behavior.
Gaslighting: This form of emotional abuse occurs when a controlling partner makes you question your reality, memory, or perceptions.
Isolation: A controlling partner may try to limit your interactions with family members or friends to ensure they have more control over you.
Stonewalling: Using silence as a way to punish or control the other person.
Financial Control: Controlling partners may take control of the household finances, restricting your access to money.
These behaviors often escalate over time, which is why it's so important to address them early on. If your partner's behavior triggers feelings of anxiety, worry, or depression, it’s time to reevaluate the relationship.
How Control Issues Affect Mental Health
When you're in a relationship plagued by controlling behavior, it’s not just your self-esteem that suffers—your mental health is at risk too. Constant manipulation, emotional abuse, and control can lead to a host of mental health issues, including:
Anxiety: Worrying about what will trigger your partner’s controlling tendencies can lead to constant anxiety.
Depression: Over time, feeling powerless and unloved in a relationship can lead to depression, affecting your mood and overall outlook on life.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): In extreme cases of intimate partner violence, individuals may experience symptoms of PTSD, including flashbacks, nightmares, and hypervigilance.
Fight or Flight Response: When dealing with a controlling partner, the body’s natural response to stress—either fight or flight—can be triggered frequently, leaving you constantly on edge.
A healthy relationship should help alleviate stress, not add to it. If you find yourself feeling more anxious, depressed, or isolated because of your partner’s behavior, it’s a clear sign that something is wrong.
What is an Abusive Relationship?
An abusive relationship goes beyond control and enters the territory of intentional harm. Abuse can take various forms of abuse:
Physical abuse such as hitting, slapping, or other physical violence.
Emotional abuse through constant criticism, insults, humiliation, or emotional withdrawal.
Sexual violence or sexual assault, forcing intimacy without consent.
Financial abuse, limiting money, sabotaging employment, or controlling resources.
This type of behavior creates fear, dependence, and a toxic relationship dynamic. Victims may feel at the mercy of others, questioning their own way of seeing the world. Over a long time, this can lead to anxiety, depression, and lasting effects on mental health.
A relationship expert will often note that abuse isn’t about having a bad day—it’s about a pattern. These patterns are not just small things but often escalate after a traumatic event or when the abuser feels their sense of control slipping.
In abusive relationships, the abusive partner often uses fear as a tool to maintain control. Victims of abuse may feel trapped, anxious, and fearful for their safety, and they often blame themselves for the situation. Abusers may also use manipulation and gaslighting—making you doubt your perception of reality—to maintain power.
Key Differences Between Controlling and Abusive Relationships
Both controlling and abusive partners attempt to control others, but the intensity and consequences differ:
Control vs. Harm: A controlling partner uses emotional manipulation and a controlling manner to keep power. An abuser uses physical abuse, intimidation, or sexual violence as a form of manipulation.
Fear Factor: A controlling partner may cause frustration and trust issues, but an abusive partner uses fear as the best way to dominate.
Escalation: A controlling relationship can be a huge awakening when it escalates into abuse. What started with little things like monitoring calls may shift into overt abusive behavior.
In both cases, survivors often experience emotional pain, worry, and painful emotions that interfere with strong relationships and healthy social situations.
Why Do People Become Controlling or Abusive?
The development of control issues often stems from a mix of personality traits, past mistakes, and sometimes personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Some individuals also struggle with substance abuse, which can increase aggression or worsen unhealthy patterns.
Others may have grown up with a controlling authority figure or experienced a traumatic experience that shaped their controlling ways. In these cases, the first place where someone learns about relationships may teach harmful lessons.
Still, none of this excuses the harm caused. Even if a partner insists they want to be a better person, the right way forward is through accountability and change—not control.
When Control Turns Into Abuse
Control and abuse exist on a spectrum. Sometimes controlling people cross the line into outright harm:
Silent treatment becomes constant criticism.
Checking social media turns into monitoring your phone calls.
Asking for alone time becomes forbidding time with close friends.
Requests framed as love become abusive behavior.
This escalation is why recognizing a red flag early is a good idea. It prevents falling deeper into a toxic relationship and gives you space to build healthy boundaries and strong relationships.
What You Can Do
If you suspect you’re in a controlling relationship or facing abusive behavior:
Notice the signs – Pay attention to the signs of a controlling partner or abusive dynamics.
Talk to someone you trust – Reach out to family members, close friends, or a family therapist.
Seek therapy – Approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) help reframe negative thinking, heal from traumatic experiences, and create a healthy way of coping.
Create a safety plan – Especially if physical violence or sexual assault is present.
Use national resources – The National Domestic Violence Hotline is available 24/7. A simple phone call can be the first time you feel less alone.
At gokc, we believe therapy is the first step toward recovery, whether you’re in Kansas City, Lee’s Summit, or nearby communities like Blue Springs, Raytown, or Independence.
Kansas City Resources for Domestic Violence and Intimate Partner Violence
If you’re in a relationship where controlling behavior has escalated to emotional or physical abuse, it’s important to know that help is available. Kansas City has several resources to assist those experiencing domestic violence or intimate partner violence (IPV).
Hope House
Hope House provides shelter, therapy, and advocacy for individuals facing domestic violence. They offer both emergency shelter services and non-residential services, including counseling and court advocacy.Website: Hope House KC
Hotline: 816-461-HOPE (4673)
Rose Brooks Center
Rose Brooks Center offers a range of services for survivors of domestic violence, including emergency shelter, outreach services, counseling, and a hospital-based advocacy program for victims of intimate partner violence.Website: Rose Brooks Center
Hotline: 816-861-6100
Kansas City Anti-Violence Project (KCAVP)
KCAVP provides support services to LGBTQ+ individuals who are victims of domestic violence, sexual assault, or other forms of violence. They offer crisis intervention, support groups, and resources for navigating the legal system.Website: KCAVP
Hotline: 816-561-0550
MOCSA (Metropolitan Organization to Counter Sexual Assault)
MOCSA works to prevent sexual violence and provides support services for survivors, including therapy and counseling for those affected by intimate partner violence and sexual abuse.Website: MOCSA
Hotline: 816-531-0233
These organizations are just a few of the many resources available in Kansas City to help individuals escape abusive relationships and find the support they need to heal.
FAQ: Recovering From a Controlling Relationship in Therapy
1. How can therapy help me recover from controlling ways in a partner?
Therapy provides tools to process emotional pain, rebuild from low self-esteem, and address trust issues that often follow controlling or abusive relationships. At gokc, our therapists help you learn healthier coping skills and break free from old forms of abuse that may have shaped your past.
2. What if I still love my intimate partner?
You may still feel love, even after abusive behavior. That’s normal. Therapy can help you untangle the difference between love and manipulative tactics, while addressing the fear of abandonment and rebuilding healthier patterns in future romantic relationships.
3. Can therapy address personality disorders or substance abuse in controlling partners?
Yes. While you can’t control your partner’s personality traits, therapy can help you explore the role of narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, or substance abuse in your relationship. Understanding these factors helps clarify what you can—and cannot—change.
4. How long does recovery take?
Recovery from a toxic relationship takes time. Some clients notice positive change after a few months, while others need a long time to process. Our therapists in Lee’s Summit will work with you at the pace that feels safe.
5. Why choose gokc in Kansas City and Lee’s Summit?
gokc specializes in trauma therapy, relationship counseling, and recovery from abusive relationships. Whether you’re facing trust issues, anxiety disorders, or painful emotions from a traumatic event, we’re here to support you. With the new Lee’s Summit office, Eastern Jackson County residents now have easier access to care and the support they deserve.
Conclusion: Choosing the Healthy Way Forward
Whether you’re dealing with controlling behavior or an abusive relationship, know this: you deserve respect, freedom, and love in a healthy relationship. A partner should never use fear, control, or abuse to maintain power.
If you’re ready to take the first step toward healing, schedule an appointment with gokc. With therapy, you can process past mistakes, rebuild strong relationships, and move forward in a healthy way—one where you are free to live life on your own terms.
Other Therapy Services Offered at gokc in Brookside, Kansas City, and throughout MO + Kansas
At gokc, we offer a range of services designed to promote healing and well-being outside of helping you navigate trauma with Trauma Therapy in Kansas City, MO. Our services include DBT Treatment, Online Therapy, Therapy for Self-Esteem, and EMDR for Trauma Recovery. Additionally, we offer Art Therapy, PTSD Treatment, Nature Therapy, and Somatic Experiencing. Whether you're looking to address specific mental health issues or seeking a deeper connection with yourself, gokc can help you!
